Talking to Students about a Teacher's Suicide

 

              By now many of you have heard that our orchestra director killed herself last night. It’s not clear if I’m supposed to say that yet, but we shouldn’t dance around mental health or suicide when people who most need help are embarrassed to name it and seek it.

              This is not easy for me to stand before you and talk about now, because Ms. G— was an important colleague to me, an important person for my daughters, and above all, a friend, and there are other reasons, too.

              Caring and community was especially important to Ms. G—. She was very transparent about what we need from each other. This became a real mission for her when we were in COVID school and our colleague Anne killed herself. Ms. G— started the Sunshine Club, where colleagues met on Zoom to enjoy each other, get to know each other, fill each other up, because Christine was clear: We had failed Anne. We failed her. We were not enough community: we did not see each other and care and play enough together. Anne was lonely and we made little room, and then we went into Zoom school, and she died. Ms. G— was fierce about community after that. You’d hear it in her concerts, in how she’d present before crowds, in books she read and podcasts she recommended, in what she told students, and in what she demanded from friends like me. If you went to a G— party, at some point, she’d make every single individual in the room speak an appreciation. At her 50^th birthday, she spoke about every single one of us in the house, and then we each spoke, no slipping out without speaking our appreciation of her. Because she was a big personality and hilarious and flying Italian hands and she was pushy like that: we were going to be inside the circle, loving, loved.

              And then she killed herself, leaving a seven-year-old son.

              And I am really fucking pissed at her. Because it was a supremely selfish thing to do.

              I told her. I told her. After Anne died, I cried in front of every one of my Zoom classes, and all these kids, in these tiny  broken little boxes on a screen, I yelled at them, because I wanted them to know, and so I’m telling you now, because it’s still true, that none of you, none of you gets to do what Ms. G— did. You are not allowed. You do not have my blessing. You are not permitted. Because I know that every one of you, each of you, has people who care about you, your friends, whoever you call your family, you are loved; and I know, I know, people who kill themselves just want the pain to end, and I understand that, it’s legitimate, it’s real, but you are loved. You are loved. You talk to someone. If you get low like that, you talk to someone, you reach out. You are not allowed to be alone. You are loved.

              And you are not allowed to do what she did.

              When Anne died, Christine organized a memorial a year later when we were back to sharing a building together, and five or six of us went with her to Magnuson, and I don’t remember what she said, but I know we talked about this.

              And I know Christine knew people cared about her. I know how caring she was. Almost any time I’d run into her in the halls, she’d gather a hug from me. She knew people cared about her, and we talked about this and what it does, and she just went did it, didn’t reach out to any of us whom she said she loved and who definitely loved her.

              I’m angry. It was selfish. It’s rent a hole in all of us who cared for her and were cared for by her.

              I adore this woman. She is a big, joyous, funny, bright personality, and she was always transparent that she was going through a lot and hurting, and even then, she worked to tie communities tight together in joy and appreciation and fierce caring. I loved going out with her, hearing her stories, being a part of the passion she’d wrap around everything she touched.

              I thank you for being so present together right now. It means a lot to our room, and to me. And I’m also grateful that we were able to discuss the book chapter and all its hard issues, because it’s allowed me to engage with my heart and mind and with you all in ways that are not this right now. But we are all carrying a lot today, whether you knew Ms. G— or not, and any way that you might be feeling or responding is the right way to feel or respond. The library is available all day for people who want to talk, in any way they want to talk.